Why I barely get mad

It's very hard for me to be mad, and even if I become mad, it doesn't last as long as what made me mad is understood and resolved and this post explains why.

Triggers

To explain this, I will start by mentioning what makes me mad. I often feel mad on two occasions. One, when someone does something that triggers me negatively, and I've not communicated to them that such a thing isn't okay to do. Two, when someone knows something about me now or in the past, and they use it against me; this can be a subset of the first scenario, but I treat them separately because I deal with them differently.

Disrespect

When a person does something to me that triggers me negatively, the first question I ask myself is: have I shared with them that this isn't how I want to be treated? If the answer is no, then I tell them how it makes me feel when they treat me like that. And if the answer is yes, I treat it as a sign of disrespect; in this case, I usually borrow the stop loss principle. I have to come up with the acceptable number of times I can tolerate this behaviour. If it goes on after that, I just cut off contact with the person since it's the only way to get rid of the trigger. In cases where I can't totally cut off the person, e.g., a workmate, groupmate etc, I just stop interacting with them in a way that will lead to scenarios that trigger me and only interact with them if I have to.

Facts and Opinions

When a person has something they think they can use against me, it can be their opinion, a fact or an insult.

Opinions

If it's their opinion, I've learned over the years that someone's opinion is part of them; and so are other body parts like a nose or a mouth. If I can't be offended by the fact that someone has a nose, why would I be offended that they have an opinion? This, however, has limits if someone uses their mouth to bite me, I'd have to take action but if they just use it in a way that triggers me, I don't give a damn about it and the same applies to their opinions.

Insults

Growing up in Uganda, it was common for kids to say things like "You look like a dog" and a couple of other insults with the intention of making you mad. It used to annoy me when I was young until I learned about value. For example, if a person looks at a 5 euro bill and insists it's a 1 euro coin, you'd question that person's sanity or think they are confused. The bill retains its value regardless. This made me realize I have a value which can't be changed by someone labelling me as something different. If someone describes me as something I'm not, that's their perception and not my reality.

Facts

If it's a fact, it can either be something I currently do or something I have done in the past. I handle these differently.

For something that I have done in the past, I've come to learn that life has no undo button so there is no need to keep tabs on something that can't be undone. The only thing I do is learn from it and promise myself to do better. And I'd be totally okay with someone saying it out in any context because I don't want to hold myself hostage because of something that has already happened.

If it's something I wasn't able to do for myself in the past and I'm in a position to do it now, I think of it in the way that if we went many years back, I couldn't even crawl but now I can run and I'm not bothered by that, so why would I be bothered by something I have outgrown?

If it's something I'm doing or something currently ongoing, I believe this is where growth lies, when someone points out something that triggers me I have to find the reason it does. If it's because of something bad I currently do, then it's a sign that I have to do some work to change and I don't take that lightly, I begin figuring out how to fix it instead of getting mad. And if it's something I don't have control over, I change the way I think about it. I have always believed that sometimes I can't change how people think about something, but I can 100% for sure change how I think about what they think.

In summary, I think the only reason I no longer get mad often or for long, is that I have figured a way of recognizing when I'm mad and a way of thinking that helps me diffuse the emotion by eliminating the source of those emotions. This has helped me learn to walk away from situations that no longer serve me but will drain me emotionally in the long run and live a less dramatic life.

Whatever I mentioned above looks like a cure and since prevention is better than cure, there's a technique I'm adopting to prevent me from being angry at any point. Whenever someone says something to me especially if it's not positive, I ask myself, what does this person want me to feel? For some reason, if I am able to pull this off and identify that they want me to feel angry, I don't get angry at all -- I just smile and this confuses them 🤯. It's the same smile I put one when I figure out solve a problem that I have been stuck with!!!.

How do you deal with things that make you mad?

Notes:

[1] By mad in this post I mean angry.